14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Fluff me with a fork baby
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I came this close!!!!