*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Breaking news:
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Catering service
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.