What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
some things should go without saying
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit