Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
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They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops