I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
*sewing*
A thread
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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