Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.