Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k