A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
rich people when they have to pay taxes