Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭