When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day