Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it