I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
You Might Also Like
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.