Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
…u ok Nintendo?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland