Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
saw this in a dream
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I am yelling
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…