Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
You Might Also Like
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now