Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
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My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Cats are still liquid.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.