When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.