I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*