Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning