I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Weirdly Wednesday.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has