absolute chaos
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I have so many questions.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.