I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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Lmao
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.