has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
You Might Also Like
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
i wish we could shoplift online
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course