It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?