ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit