Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.