🙂🐾
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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I am having an out of money experience.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.