“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
choose your fighter
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.