Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My favorite farside!!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My what?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.