#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.