[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
couldn’t resist
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino