My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once