The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
You Might Also Like
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.