It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Home is where your toilet is.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
just having fun
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days