Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
You Might Also Like
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I love you to the refrigerator and back