Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
A choir of Spring onions
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.