I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air πππππππππ
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! π
Me: πβΉοΈ
Me: I thought I was your best friend π
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Asked him his height and heβs been typing for 2 minutes π€¨
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Iβm honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, βThey filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. Itβs a documentary.β
Looking at a guy in great shape: π₯π₯
Looking at a girl in great shape: ππ
Looking at workout equipment: π
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, βIs constipation a problem for fish?β
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.