First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
You Might Also Like
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I think this cat is broken
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.