I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Damn what did I do next
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“Wait, let me explain..”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me