What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
It’s the weekend y’all
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back