[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
thank god the sign was there
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I cannot call her anything else now
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?