found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.