If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
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Maths meets science
My plans: 2020:
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
my dad has had enough
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.