A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.