The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷