Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
You Might Also Like
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
pelicons
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.