Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
bro what is going on at twitter
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman