There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Somebody’s lying.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
They got a point!
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off