The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.