Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid